It’s cool to complain about doing laundry.
And constantly picking up after your ungrateful kids. And how your husband can’t seem to find the laundry basket with his dirty socks.
I understand the urge, I really do. Whether you’re a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, the research is pretty clear- women do the lion’s share of domestic tasks in most partnered relationships.
It’s easy to let resentment creep in when you feel like you’re shouldering the burden of the labor, because…it’s a LOT. The mental load is real, and coupled with mom brain, PPD, or just the stress of being a human being in the year 2025 the weight can feel unbearable.
HOWEVER -and I realize this might be an unpopular opinion- I think the public narrative of mom martyrdom is getting a little bit out of hand.
A few years back I started seeing people push back on the “mommy needs wine” concept.
Yes, it can be cute and lighthearted for moms to make TikToks about their nightly glass of wine, but it can also be really problematic in some cases. I found myself deep in the comments on both sides of these arguments and it sparked even broader reflection about how easy it is to get swept up in justifying a chosen mindset based on the prevalent attitudes of the voices you hear coming from your screens.
One day when I was cooking dinner I wondered- how can I make this feel like less of a chore and make it a more joyful experience?
I opened the blinds and turned on a show I’d been wanting to watch. I lit a candle by the sink. And I really tried to reframe my intention- providing a sustaining and comforting meal for the people I love. Surprise, surprise. It was a much more enjoyable experience.
We used to joke about my Nana’s baking- that it tasted so good because it was made with lots of butter….and LOVE.
And you know what? I’ve realized that sentiment wasn’t a joke after all. Except the unexpected twist here - and this is key…. is that it tastes better for you, the baker too.
Here are some examples of mindset shifts I’ve made that improve my attitude about my domestic workload:
When I deliver a basket of freshly folded clothes to my daughter’s room, I remember that it’s an act of service (if you haven’t learned about the love languages as a parent yet, I highly recommend reading this book btw). I tell myself that I have a short window of time to bless her in this way before she’s on her own. I’m showing her how nice it feels to have neatly folded shirts and shorts, and I’m giving her a model for what this can look like when it’s her time to takeover. Is she helpless? Absolutely not. She knows how to do her own laundry and does it sometimes. And I almost always have her put it away. But I CHOOSE to do this small thing for her as an expression of love.
Cooking dinner is sometimes one of my most dreaded chores. I love cooking but our afternoons are busy and there are a lot of different food preferences at our house so it can feel defeating at times. I generally stick to boring basics - tacos, spaghetti- for my sanity. But once a week I ask one person to make a special request. This week my son’s eyes lit up when I asked and he asked, “Can we have fettuccine alfredo?” Absolutely, yes. It’s a messy, time consuming and really inconvenient meal. But it’s one of my favorite things to make precisely because of those things. You don’t slap this one together. It takes time, planning and intention. It’s an act of love, and I know he feels it because of the excitement in his voice when he made his request.
“This all seems well and good,” you might be thinking. “But it’s hard for because of xyx.”
Health challenges, a difficult work schedule, family/relationship issues all have a way of hijacking our brains and making daily survival feel impossible. I get it.
When your brain is on overload and you’re in survival mode it can feel like you’re drowning. But I PROMISE that this works if you start to do it regularly.
The bottom line? It’s a choice.
Similar to the way practicing gratitude can have a significant impact on mental health and quality of life, learning to view the repetitive, monotonous tasks involved with caring for your home in a positive light will lead to tremendous improvement in your quality of life.
As a former resentful chore-doer, I can attest that this approach has changed my days for the better.
There is one caveat, however:
None Of This Works Without (Real) Self-Care
Let’s talk about self-care for a minute.
If we’re basing our definition on meme culture, self-care is all about luxury bath products, impulse shopping, and sweet lil’ treats.
I think (hope???) people are just joking when they circulate, like and share this type of thing but on the off chance that you have ever bought into the idea that self-care is an activity based on consumption…it’s time for a reframe.
Self-care is about doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Seems simple. Basic, even.
But for a lot of women, it’s not.
On the outside looking in, I probably look like I somewhat have my life together. But the truth is I constantly struggle with some of the most basic forms of self-care:
Taking time to make meaningful social connection with friends + family
Moving my body/getting to the gym
Drinking water
Saying “no” to things I don’t want to do
Removing myself from stressful/triggering environments
Slowing down and resting when I’m tired
So is it any surprise that I feel cranky and irritable when faced with a mountain of laundry, a way too long to-do list, and not enough groceries in the fridge to fix a passable dinner? No. Not surprising in the least.
When tasks pile up, you had nothing to eat or drink but black coffee all day, and you are feeling run-down and overstimulated it’s hard to recover and have the presence of mind for this type of mindset shift. Anyone would be in a bad mood!
This strategy won’t work unless you put on your oxygen mask first and take care of yourself!
A Secret You Might Not Know
This brings me to my point, and something I don’t think most people really understand.
I already mentioned how much my attitude on certain tasks improved when I shifted my mindset toward service and showing love for others.
But can we get a little bit selfish here?
What you might not realize is that, ultimately, YOU are the biggest beneficiary when you take the time to care for your home environment well.
Picture this:
You woke up early and got to read a few chapters of your new book. You ate something healthy you enjoyed for breakfast and took a walk with a friend on your lunch break.
You did a 15-minute cleanup before you left the house this morning, so when you walk back in the door your house feels reasonably clean- you focus on the good feelings of being home, not the mess.
You have empty hooks to hang your bags on and a basket to put your shoes in when you close the door. As you walk down the hall you pass sentimental photos of your kids that hang on the wall and smile at their familiar faces looking down at you.
Dinner isn’t an issue because you picked up your groceries yesterday for this week’s meal plan. You know exactly what you’re making for dinner (maybe it’s already in the crockpot?).
You can help your kids get ready for practice or do some homework with a clearer head because you don’t have a running checklist of house chores you need to do before bedtime taking up all your processing capacity. You can be fully present in your evening routine and enjoy quality time with your family; maybe you can even relax on the couch together!
This might seem like a romanticized version of reality but it’s not- it’s what happens to your mental state when you take care of yourself.
This scenario is the culmination of tiny self-care behaviors:
Waking Up Early
Eating Well
Exercise
Reading for Pleasure
Mixed with home-care behaviors:
Meal Planning + Prep
Micro-Cleanups/Cleaning Burts
Intentional Organizing
Meaningful Decorating
Truly, these actions all qualify as self care, because the end result is better mental, emotional, and physical wellness for YOU.
A Gift To Your Future Self
Resetting the kitchen before you go to bed is a gift to your future self.
The you that will wake up tomorrow morning and have a more peaceful experience because of the actions that past you lovingly made the night before.
Same goes for the version of you that did your laundry on Sunday (knowing you have a busy week ahead) or the version of you that does one load every weekday (knowing that you need to save your weekends to decompress and not do housework!).
Nobody knows you better than YOU.
So make it a habit to regularly ask yourself questions like:
What am I struggling with right now? What changes can I make to my routine to make that easier?
Are there any changes to my routine coming up that I need to prepare for? What actions can I take to make the shift more managable?
What makes me feel most at peace in my home? How can I focus on that?
I’m in no way saying that looking at your duties at home this way makes them somehow go away. You still have to put away the laundry and wash the dishes.
But I find that it makes it easier getting things done when I anticipate the reward of the positive feelings my future self will feel if I do them.
And I’m a little easier on myself when I let certain things (ahem, the piles of clothes on the ottoman in our closet) go.
Micro-Routine Suggestions
If this still sounds too vague and unrealistic, here are some concrete behaviors that mix self-care with home care.
These are examples of micro-routines can make a big difference in your mood and the feeling of your home. There short time means they are doable for anyone, whether you work or stay at home.
Truly, they are a great place to start if you are new to all this! Once you make them a habit you won’t even realize you’re doing them- you just will. These behaviors can feel as routine as brushing your teeth.
I personally do all of these every day (except the laundry because I prefer to do one dedicated “laundry day” a week). They keep my workload under control and there are no decisions to be made- it’s all mindless and automatic.
Morning Resets
Make the bed with intention → Pretend you’re making your bed for special guests. Think smoothing the sheets, fluffing the pillows, maybe even adding a spritz of lavender linen spray if you’re feeling fancy.
Open the curtains & a windows → I do this every morning and it feels so good! Open the curtains or blinds to let in sunlight + if it’s nice enough, crack the windows to let in the cool morning air (even if just for 5 minutes). It’s an instant energy shift for you and your home. My son was lying in my bed when I did it last Sunday morning and he remarked, “that feels so good!” when the warmth of the morning sun hit him. Don’t underestimate this simple action- everyone in your home will feel its impact!
Clear the kitchen counters after breakfast → Don’t start the day with a sink full of dirty dishes! Totally the wrong vibe. Unload and reload the dishwasher after completing your morning breakfast routine and give the counters a quick wipedown with a pleasant counter spray.
Afternoon Anchors
4. One-surface tidy → Later in the day, choose one surface (coffee table, entry console, kitchen island) and clear it completely. This feels like a visual sigh of relief and it boosts your home-care confidence! I like to do this right before I head out to pick my kids up from school as an anchor in my daily routine.
5. Laundry quick win → If you’re a one load a day person, fold one load while listening to music, a podcast, or just in quiet. It’s 10 minutes that clears both space + mental load. Bonus points if you can put everything away immediately!
6. Sweep or vacuum the main living area → You can cheat a bit here, it doesn’t need to be the whole house! If you’re short on time, just focus on the high-traffic zones for a fresher feel. If you invest in a robot vacuum this task becomes even easier.
Evening Wind-Downs
7. Put your kitchen to bed → Load and run the dishwasher every night. No exceptions. Clear surfaces, wipe down your counters, and prep your coffee pot to brew on auto. You’ll thank yourself in the morning.
8. Take a clutter walk → Walk through main rooms with a basket, gather out-of-place items. Put them back or stash to sort later if they’re from an out of the way spot.
9. Mood lighting + reset ritual → Light a candle and/or lamps, turn off overhead lights, tidy one corner before settling in for the evening.
Weekly Routine ( <15 min)
10. Fresh flowers or greens swap → Buy or gather a fresh arrangement (or trim stems + refresh water if last week’s blooms are still good).
11. Fridge reset → Wipe a single shelf or rinse out a drawer. Remove anything that’s nearing empty or past its prime and restock fresh food after you grocery shop. This can extend to your drink fridge, snack drawer or organized pantry.
12. Entryway refresh → Straighten shoes, hang up coats and bags (or put them back in the closet). Shake out rugs and mop the floor.
Over the years I’ve done so much self-reflection on my journey as a wife, mother and homemaker. After years of wrestling with the ins and outs of maintaining a family home, I’ve finally started to feel a sort of simple peace in the way I look at these rhythms that take up my days.
My goal for this post (and the others I write) is to help others who are still wrestling with the same feelings. There are hard parts and mornings where I feel like distracting myself from it all by crawling back into bed and scrolling on my phone- I’ll be honest! But the more lean into making this experience the best I can for myself and the people I love, the less I come across those types of days.
I feel so much more peace in my home (and my heart!).
I’d love to hear from you- which micro-routines help you in your day to day life?
Thanks for reading this week’s post. I’m glad you’re here!
xoxo,
Suzette
Waking up before my kids has been a God-send. I spend time in the Word, praying, journaling and tackling one task.
Putting my kitchen to bed and making my coffee before bed for the next morning.
Thank you for sharing. Beautiful!